Patience and Calm

And so I am sitting here in the living room and I am searching for the voice within me to write on this slate.  I have this feeling tha tthe person for whom I am writing, the audience, is actually myself.  And I feel this block in my chest.  It feels like an energetic block on the left side of my chest at the level of my heart.  It extends to the left from the center into the pit just below my clavicle.  The voice in my head is an argument with W from work about credit for a sales transaction.  I tried to share the situation with Stephanie, but it required so much explanation just to set the foundation that it really was not possible to discuss in detail.

Three years ago we completed a large transaction for a client on the west coast.  This transaction is now being refinanced at a lower interest rate.  There was a big commotion about this because of the "loss" from the reduction in the rate.  However, the transaction now appears on the pipeline as a new transaction with the credit going to the person who covers the northwest.  The voice inside of me says that it should either not be a deal at all, on account of it's being a refinance of an existing transaction, or that I should get credit for having been the source of the client relationship.

And so the arguments and conversations about this topic are whistling through my brain.   What are they protecting?  This is a painful vibration related to my perceived failure to be successful in my job.  This is the same job situation that I have been talking about changing for two years now.  I feel useless professionally right now because I am waiting in this limbo for things to move.  I would like to take proactive control and do something about it, but I am feeling that maybe my lesson is one of patience.

I am in a situation where I really do not have to do much work at all for the next several months, and at the end of that time, my job will be over.  But I struggle with this situation.  I do not want my job to end and so I cling on to it, but it has been such a struggle and it is clear that it is the only thing in my life that has not been transformed.  At some level I fear that a transition in this area will put my relationship with S in jeopardy, but there really is no indication of that aside from my own fear.

And there is the alimony question.  I cannot just resign my job because I have to pay alimony and there would be the threat of being attacked for leaving a job when this obligation has to be met.  I of course cannot expect S to contribute to this obligation while I spend my afternoons on the sofa writing into the ether.

And so here I am.  It is election day.  So much has transpired since the last election day.

I want to feel like I am on my mission.  That I have a function in this world that is part of God's plan.  I want this function to be revealed to me and I want to live it.  But maybe it is that my function is what I do while I'm thinking I should be doing something else.  Isn't that really the issue?  It's not that I have the wrong thing in front of me, it's that I need to let go of the feeling that there must be something else.

Patience and calmness.  Patience.  Calm.  I can hear Paulo Roberto's admonition right now.  The tormentors with their hooks and nets try to pull us from the ladder.  No.  Patience. Calmness.  Align yourself with the higher source.  What are the temptations that are trying to trap me now?  Anger and frustration.  Envy.  Thinking that out there is something I want that belongs to me that is being taken from me.  That I am being taken advantage of.  That it is not fair.  That it would be weak for me not to stand up for myself.  That the spiritual path does not require me to be a push over, a door mat.  Patience. Calm.

Firm yourself in God.  God is the answer.  You do not need anything that they have to give.  They can take nothing from you if you need nothing except what comes from God.  Wylie asked the other day what was the longest I have ever been without a meal.  Was the answer really less than 24 hours?  Have I really lived on this planet for 45 years and never missed a meal? What am I afraid of?  What is it that I think I need?

Patience.  calm.  There is an illumination work in Texas this weekend.  I could fly out on Saturday morning and return Sunday.  I feel a call to do it, but I'm not sure.  The lesson of patience may be simply to stay in my place.