I'm not feeling well today, we have been having some trouble getting along.  Something in the stars.  The maid is here and I just want her to leave so I can be at peace.  I know I am wrong to feel this way, but I just cannot relax when she is here.  It is wrong of me to feel this way, but it is the truth.

I don't have any idea what to write about.  The words seem to be coming but I do not have any idea where they are going. I have not been very good about keeping to a routine of writing everyday.  I think it has probably been well over a week since my last entry.  Not a lot of traffic either.  I guess this is a good lesson in how not to write a blog.

But this really is a diary that is open for public viewing more than a blog.  I'm not really asking anybody to read it, and certainly not expecting a lot of traffic.  Maybe there is some small part of my ego that wants to believe that these musings are special in some way and that they will go viral, but that is not true.  These words are just more words in a see of words.  I wonder if there are more words in the internet than there are stars in the galaxy.  A word for every star.  There are five more stars.

I have been having a little battle with codependency.  Also with my auto correct.  But the codependency is more interesting to me anyway.  When she gets upset, that vibration invades my vibration and I get upset to.  She says I create drama when she is just trying to deal with her feelings in a healthy way.  I can see that my reaction to her feeling bad is not a healthy one, but there does not seem to be much I can do about it.

Things in life are moving fast, yet staying the same as they ever were.  December is here already.  I am about a million miles from where I was last December.  One year ago today I did not even know her.  I was just back from Thanksgiving.  I was still in the ugly part of ending my relationship with N.  I was about to move into a new house, and I thought my future was in that direction.  I needed that house to start my relationship with S, but was only there for eight months.

So here it is the turn of November, and the full moon just past.  I am living in a gorgeous condominium and we just got a new car.  I had breakfast with George today.  Yesterday I helped my mother hang a chandelier out by the fish pond.  The new car is really sweet.  I sent a letter a week ago to rejoin the yacht club. I just checked out the bike locker room, and there is plenty of space in it.  We are thinking about getting some paddle boards so we can use them in the bay!  What a lot of fun that will be.

Less than three months to go until the wedding.  The invitations are being designed.  We still have not seen the prenup yet.  Tonight we are supposed to go to a slow foods event.  I don't think either of us are much looking forward to it. Good to be supportive though.  Sit down seats, so we better show up.

The house feels quite.  Maybe the maid is gone.  I'm going to go check.

So now it's 4:20, about four hours later.  I did a nice meditation and then I took a nap.  I feel a bit better.  I took some medicine for my stomach and gut, and I think it did the trick.

you are really beating yourself up about your job.  You do not even realize how much of your energy this stress is sucking from you.  It need not be this way.  You are unhappy with the situation because it causes you to judge yourself as inadequate.  You are defending yourself against what you think is criticism of your performance and then you are translating that into a criticism of your own self worth.

There is some truth to their concern after all.  You actually are not working very hard.  The reasons for this are the reasons for it, and your stories about those reasons really do not mean anything.  You think a lot about the VF transaction and you have arguments in your head with G and W and R about this transaction.  I these arguments you explain why you think you should share in the comission.  You have fantasies of inciting GV from MSSB into a confrontation with P management, and you imagine that in this conflict you will somehow be vindicated.  Of course none of that has any reality.  Maybe G is not even being paid a commission.  Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.  The reality is you do not know the truth.

The other reality is the soccer dad ref syndrome.  How many parents call foul when a call is in their favor?  We feel strongly not because of justice, but because of attachment to outcome.  You are attached to the outcome of the situation with G, and so you tell a story that assuages your feelings of injustice over the situation as it develops.

What this ignores is the basic reality that you create all of your experience yourself.  You have had glimpses of this, but you have not really learned it as of yet.  You have fears that your marriage with S will not be completed and you fear you will be caste out and helpless if that comes to pass.  This is another terrible fantasy.  You love S very much and you know she feels the same about you.  You have earned and have been granted a true gift and opportunity, and this kind of fear based thinking will rob you of the benefit of this gift.  You live in your mind.  Keep it clean.

Meditate every day.  You have been given time every day.  Use it to meditate and exercise.  Use it to make the best of your life.  It is a gift and you need not fritter it away on guilt.  Celebrate this time with your mother.  Get to know S's family  Spend time in prayer and with your church.  Prepare yousrelf for your mission, bcause it is already well under way.

You have tapped into that feeling in your heart that is where your little self hides in pain and fear.  release that.  It is not you.  You are a powerful creator.  There is only one consciousness, and of it you are a part.  There is no difference between you and your brothers because you are all the product of the same consciousness.  Everything that exists in this material world you perceive is and extension of the one consciousness, and just as you can change your mind, so you create the world.  How to remember who you are?  The first step is to recognize the dream.  The second step is to remember the dreamer.  Adam fell asleep.  Nowhere does it say that he woke up.