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Saturday, May 4, 2013


so here we are at starbucks.  Can I hear the voice here?  I have a feeling of self consciousness when I close my eyes in meditation here. Are they looking at me? Do I appear strange?

I can see that these concerns are keeping me from accessing the still part of my mind.  The play starts in half an hour.  Or an hour actually, but our friends are to start arriving in half an hour.  I just have that much time to write.  Stephanie will be on her way already.  Wylie is volunteering as an usher.  The National Security Agency will be filing this post in it's computer somewhere.  Terrorists?

So I look pretty snappy in my white jeans and my orange psycho bunny shirt.  I just signed up to try Kambo medicine on Friday.  Frog slime from the Amazon that they rub into fresh burn marks that are made on the skin of the upper arm for men.  Skin of the lower leg for women.  I want my burns to scar. Sometimes they do.

Am I just a voyeur?  Why am I having this frog medicine?  To follow with Ayahuasca from the depths of the rain forest.  That I am familiar with.  I think I've probably had about 400 servings of Ayahuasca in the last four years.  It has completely transformed my very life.  I am a much healthier, shinier happier more illuminated man.  Both on the outside and on the inside.

It's so easy to give up your bad habits.  It's so easy to appreciate.  It's so easy to see how attachment to external things brings no satisfaction.  But it's not easy to see when you are living in the old way.  Caught up in the world of ten thousand things.

Enlightenment is a funny thing.  One keeps seeking it long after one has found it.  It really is just the accumulation of a few simple bits of wisdom.  There is nothing to fear because death is an illusion.  Love is the only thing that matters, and what is not love has no value.  With that in mind, what do you do with your life?  Seriously?

The retirement industry?  Are you kidding?  I need $100,000 a year to retire comfortably according to their calculations.  I  can pay rent in Austin, Texas for $300 a month in a place where I can grow a garden.  If I can grow my own Santa Maria and walk to a swimming hole, then I think $20,000 will be fat city.

Time is not money and money is not time.  Money is a waste of time.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy nice things.  I wore a pair of $600 Prado shoes to the ballet last night.  But the thing is, I would have been just as happy wearing my beat up converse with no laces to a movie.  Probably happier.

The best way to meet your needs is to redefine them.  We all have the sun, we all have the moon.  As mestre Irineu says "All the gold the earth has, it's the light that shines more."

Peace is a garden in your heart

And so here is another writing exercise.  Still trying to open to the voice within.  The key is not to judge the words that aI find here.  There is no need to worry about whether they are good enough.  This is true so often in life.  You don't sing because you do not think you are good enough.  You are afraid of being embarrassed.

What is embarrassment anyway?  Is it fear that someone will look at what you offer and judge it as not sufficient?  Is it a fear that someone will mock you?  What if there is a person whose nature it is to mock?  Will it then be your goal to prevent them from doing so?  You have to release these limiting self judgments.  Do for those who appreciate.

Edit not to avoid harsh judgment but for love.  Why do you take care to use grammar and spell correctly if you are not trying to impress anyone?  Because it is an act of love.  It is like weeding a garden.  It is showing that you value what you create.

Love comes from inside and to have love you must give love.  You can give love through your writing.  By taking the care and time to make it pretty, to make it correct, you create a beautiful garden.  It is not your concern who else may enjoy it or explore it.  It is sufficient that you create it.  All of creation is my garden, and the point is not to call people to explore your little section.  The point is to simply create.

So create a space of peace.  A space of beauty.  Create this garden first in your own heart, and then manifest it into the world.  This little essay is a meadow in your garden.  Whoever enters here will find the holy presence of peace.  For this peace is within their heart, and by being here and reading this, they will be reminded of it.

So dear reader, dear traveler.  I do not know how it is that you have come to be here.  But know that you are welcome.  Know that whatever it is that you fear, whatever it is that you perceive in the world outside yourself cannot enter into this most sacred space within your heart.  This is where you will retreat when the world outside you turns to dust.  When your body is wracked with pain and your health is failing you.  In the darkness of a prison.  When all hope from outside is gone.  Find your peace here, because this is where it exists.  Peace is a garden in your heart.
Hello empty blog.  I am wondering if I could create the habit in myself of spending some of my idle hours writing.  I have about fifteen minutes right now before my massage.  Maybe I can activate that voice within me that is my source of wisdom.

I had an experience of the other in meditation the other night.  I feminine divine presence was showing me how with my mind in "flat lake" meditation, she could slip her words from the astral into my consciousness.  To perceive this requires the most profound silence of the mind.  Only in the deepest meditation can I achieve this.  Even the thought of recognizing the voice as an other is enough to break the reception.

In this state the personal ego truly is eliminated.  I saw the voice of my personality as just a program of some sort that was running inside my neural network.  I set of conceptions and memories that held onto a limited concept of what "I" am and reacts to what it perceives in the outside world, having no idea at all that the "I" is what creates the outside world in the first place.

Ask yourself this in meditation.

"What is it that thinks it is you?"

When the thought arises "this is ME" who is that voice? and in what medium does this voice exist?

The medium is consciousness, which is the very essence of the astral.  Everything exists in this medium.  Everything IS this medium.

In meditation this medium is the surface of a lake.  Our thoughts, feelings and so forth are turbulence on this water.  To quite the mind is to calm the lake.  Only when the smallest ripples have disappeared can the reflections of heaven be seen.  The surface must be smooth as a mirror.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

"So where do twenty seven year olds go out in this town?" Mary Carmen asked.  She was not so much interested in the answer as she was in watching him speak.  Mary Carmen pretended not to notice that there shoulders were touching, her left shoulder to his right.  She was turned in her chair to face him slightly.  

Dillon just smiled.  His sunglasses were on his head and his eyes were slightly red.  Slightly red.  He was a gardener.  Twenty seven, six three, handsome in a reptilian way.  Not latin, but polished.   Lythe and strong from his outdoor work, but not grungy like a landscaper.  Smooth and polished.  You would not find a leaf blower on Dillon's back.  He was not that kind of gardener.  

Mary Carmen had already asked for his card.  Oh you plant gardens? She had asked? Can you plant one in my yard?  I've always been so fond of gardening.  I would just love it if you could plant one of your garden beds in my backyard.

And three days later she called.  And so now Dillon was driving his truck with his tools and a yard of black soil in the flat bed.  10:30 in the morning on a Wednesday in June.  Hot already.  "Oh Wednesday would be just perfect.  I have Yoga in the morning at nine, can you come after that?  Richard is out of town until Friday, so this will work out just perfectly!" 

And so he arrived at the gate and pushed the call button, the temperature rising as the ac poured out the open window.  Ten thirty in the morning and it was hot already.  Come on in chirped a voice through the intercom.  The chain rattled as the gate opened.  He parked on the asphalt behind the garage under a mango tree laden with large still green fruit.  

And there was Mary Carmen in her stretch tight yoga suit.  Thirty eight years old, two kids in school, Porsche Cayenne S Turbo Soccer Mom car.  Ten thirty in the morning on a Wednesday and Richard is out of town.  Just perfect.

"Would you like a glass of tea?" she asked.  He had not started working yet.  She turned her back to him.  With her feet three feet apart and her legs and back straight back she bent forward from the waist and turned off the hose. "I was just doing a little bit of watering" The black material stretched thin over her ass.  Dillon observed the outline of her thong bikini underwear, showing a little pink under the shear tights.

It was really no more difficult than taking passed hors d'ouvres from a tray.  Sure I would love a glass of tea.  He had followed her into the kitchen and when she turned toward him with the tea in her hand, Dillon was standing too close.  She put the tea down on the counter and looked up at him.  She felt herself wet and hot.  She put down the tea and lifted her chin.  

"Maybe I should plant the garden first."

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I'm not feeling well today, we have been having some trouble getting along.  Something in the stars.  The maid is here and I just want her to leave so I can be at peace.  I know I am wrong to feel this way, but I just cannot relax when she is here.  It is wrong of me to feel this way, but it is the truth.

I don't have any idea what to write about.  The words seem to be coming but I do not have any idea where they are going. I have not been very good about keeping to a routine of writing everyday.  I think it has probably been well over a week since my last entry.  Not a lot of traffic either.  I guess this is a good lesson in how not to write a blog.

But this really is a diary that is open for public viewing more than a blog.  I'm not really asking anybody to read it, and certainly not expecting a lot of traffic.  Maybe there is some small part of my ego that wants to believe that these musings are special in some way and that they will go viral, but that is not true.  These words are just more words in a see of words.  I wonder if there are more words in the internet than there are stars in the galaxy.  A word for every star.  There are five more stars.

I have been having a little battle with codependency.  Also with my auto correct.  But the codependency is more interesting to me anyway.  When she gets upset, that vibration invades my vibration and I get upset to.  She says I create drama when she is just trying to deal with her feelings in a healthy way.  I can see that my reaction to her feeling bad is not a healthy one, but there does not seem to be much I can do about it.

Things in life are moving fast, yet staying the same as they ever were.  December is here already.  I am about a million miles from where I was last December.  One year ago today I did not even know her.  I was just back from Thanksgiving.  I was still in the ugly part of ending my relationship with N.  I was about to move into a new house, and I thought my future was in that direction.  I needed that house to start my relationship with S, but was only there for eight months.

So here it is the turn of November, and the full moon just past.  I am living in a gorgeous condominium and we just got a new car.  I had breakfast with George today.  Yesterday I helped my mother hang a chandelier out by the fish pond.  The new car is really sweet.  I sent a letter a week ago to rejoin the yacht club. I just checked out the bike locker room, and there is plenty of space in it.  We are thinking about getting some paddle boards so we can use them in the bay!  What a lot of fun that will be.

Less than three months to go until the wedding.  The invitations are being designed.  We still have not seen the prenup yet.  Tonight we are supposed to go to a slow foods event.  I don't think either of us are much looking forward to it. Good to be supportive though.  Sit down seats, so we better show up.

The house feels quite.  Maybe the maid is gone.  I'm going to go check.

So now it's 4:20, about four hours later.  I did a nice meditation and then I took a nap.  I feel a bit better.  I took some medicine for my stomach and gut, and I think it did the trick.

you are really beating yourself up about your job.  You do not even realize how much of your energy this stress is sucking from you.  It need not be this way.  You are unhappy with the situation because it causes you to judge yourself as inadequate.  You are defending yourself against what you think is criticism of your performance and then you are translating that into a criticism of your own self worth.

There is some truth to their concern after all.  You actually are not working very hard.  The reasons for this are the reasons for it, and your stories about those reasons really do not mean anything.  You think a lot about the VF transaction and you have arguments in your head with G and W and R about this transaction.  I these arguments you explain why you think you should share in the comission.  You have fantasies of inciting GV from MSSB into a confrontation with P management, and you imagine that in this conflict you will somehow be vindicated.  Of course none of that has any reality.  Maybe G is not even being paid a commission.  Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.  The reality is you do not know the truth.

The other reality is the soccer dad ref syndrome.  How many parents call foul when a call is in their favor?  We feel strongly not because of justice, but because of attachment to outcome.  You are attached to the outcome of the situation with G, and so you tell a story that assuages your feelings of injustice over the situation as it develops.

What this ignores is the basic reality that you create all of your experience yourself.  You have had glimpses of this, but you have not really learned it as of yet.  You have fears that your marriage with S will not be completed and you fear you will be caste out and helpless if that comes to pass.  This is another terrible fantasy.  You love S very much and you know she feels the same about you.  You have earned and have been granted a true gift and opportunity, and this kind of fear based thinking will rob you of the benefit of this gift.  You live in your mind.  Keep it clean.

Meditate every day.  You have been given time every day.  Use it to meditate and exercise.  Use it to make the best of your life.  It is a gift and you need not fritter it away on guilt.  Celebrate this time with your mother.  Get to know S's family  Spend time in prayer and with your church.  Prepare yousrelf for your mission, bcause it is already well under way.

You have tapped into that feeling in your heart that is where your little self hides in pain and fear.  release that.  It is not you.  You are a powerful creator.  There is only one consciousness, and of it you are a part.  There is no difference between you and your brothers because you are all the product of the same consciousness.  Everything that exists in this material world you perceive is and extension of the one consciousness, and just as you can change your mind, so you create the world.  How to remember who you are?  The first step is to recognize the dream.  The second step is to remember the dreamer.  Adam fell asleep.  Nowhere does it say that he woke up.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I have been feeling a call to apply for a job at the University.  I went onto their website today, and it appears that they have tons of opportunities to get involved.  I looked into rolls at the legal and financial departments, nad nothing there looked like very much fun.  I then went ot the section on faculty and there were lots of opportunities as a guest lecturer or junior professor.  I wonder what it would take to get on a tenure track.  I would probably have to publish or something like that.  Maybe I would have to earn a Phd.

That would be kind of fun to go back to school.  I wanted to write for ahlf an hour today, and I want to connect to my inner voice.  But I am not feeling much inspiration.

The first thing you must do is start oworking on your resume.  You will never find a position if you do not do this.  So this is your fisrt step.  Also you have had a couple of people put into your life who will be able to assist you in finding the right answer.  The University is a good place to start.  Faculty is the path.  The key is that by joining the faculty you can promote your personal theme.

My personal theme is that The Expansion of the Consciousness will be able to save the earth.  When you say this you are aware that the earth is really in no danger from humanity.  If you destroy your habitat and disappear, in a million or ten million or a hundred million years, there will be no trace on this earth that you evr existed.  So really the only earth you need to worry about saving is the earth as it exists during your time on it.  You simply need to worry about saving your own experience of the earth.  But with that understanding, you mcan accurately say that it is only the expansion o fthe consciousness that will be able to save the earth.

For you to promote this basic theory as your mission, you can find a role for yourself as a teacher.  You have resonated with the teachings in A Course in Miracles relating to the student teacher relationship.  You have thought about being a teacher and you have a lot of experience teaching from your role as a father.  You can take the love you have for humanity and translate this into an expansion of consciousness by teaching and by assisting the University in fulfilling it's mission to teach.

You are competent to teach classes in the Philosophy of Law and you are competent to teach classes in business law, ethics, and Law and Economics.  Your time line is to establish a date for lunch and then finish your resume so that you can bring it with you.  You should also contact your mother to have her put you in touch with the person you want to speak to.  It is time to start the ball rolling because your position will be coming to an end very shortly.  It is important for you to start moving in the right direction.

you have worked hard for a period of twenty five years.  You are having a respite right now, but it is not to last for a long time.  It is time for you to get engaged in what you are doing.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

So I missed my trip to New York today.  My flight was cancelled because of the second storm.  Someone told me that some astronomical event that occurred in Gemini with the Mercury Retrograde would bring things, such as the storm, in a pair.  So my flight was cancelled and so were all of the other flights yesterday afternoon.

I could have flown on Delta this morning at 6:00 and made it just in time for the conference, but I really did not want to go.  If the universe gives you a sign as powerful as a Nor'easter, does it not make sense to listen?

I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me my blood pressure was high.  This is not the first time this has happened.  So I'm going to kick caffeine for a week and then go back to the Doctor.  I will see if caffeine has some effect on my blood pressure.  I suspect it might.  I am also getting back into an exercise routine.  I ran yesterday in the park and today my calves are paying for it.  I should go and get my bike today and take it out to the key for a ride.  I have not done that in a long time.  I wonder if my bike will fit in my car.

the things you need to write will come to you if you just listen to them and stop with the judging.  You are afraid to write the words you receive because you judge them.  this is a continuation of your concern with the reader.  REally you know that you do not have much of an audience.  So why are you worried about what they think?  YOu have not imposed any of this writing upon anyone.  YOu have not asked anyone to read it nor have you suggested that you think your efforts in woriting this are worthy of anyone else's attention.  You have to learn to be careful when you write.  You tend to want to do this with no effort, as if the words can flow from your fingers like a waterfall.

The words will come, but it is up to you to have the patience and the intention to put them on the paper in the correct manner.  As soon as your mind wanders, this connection is broken.  As soon as you question what you are writing, the channel is blocked.  See how you can regain the connection by letting go of the judgments of your mind.  These blocks are the same as the resistance to change that prevents you from accepting the abundance that the world offers you.

You are worried that you will not have everything you need despite obvious evidence to the contrary.  You have been alive for 45 years and you have never gone without anything that you have needed.  You have shut yourself off from love, and you have looked for it in places where it could not be found, but that does not mean it was not there surrounding you all of the time.

this is a joyous time in your life.  You should celebrate it and enjoy it.  You have been given all that you have asked for, yet you continue to worry about your career.  Your career at PNC is coming to an end, because you want it to come to an end.  Rather because you want to stop struggling.  You have struggled for your entire adult life. Not because struggling was necessary, but because you imposed this upon yourself.  Your struggle is over right now, just as it was over every day.

Your decision to cancel your trip to New York was an honest acknowledgement of what you did not want.  You did not want to force that trip, and you listened to this internal guidance.  You can be congratulated for that, because your pattern would be to ignore this and trudge ahead on a trip that you did not feel like going on.

This feeling I am speaking of is your emotional barometer.  It will tell you where your true path lies.  When you force yourself in a direction contrary to your true path, you feel disharmony within you and this leads to stress and unhappiness.  If you want to heal your heart and your blood pressure, this is where you must do your work.

You do not like having Alma in the apartment, and this has nothing whatsoever to do with Alma.  It has everything to do with your judgment of yourself.  You look at yourself through what you imagine to be her eyes.  What does she think of you sitting in the apartment?  What does she think of you writing on the computer or reading a book?  Does she think you should not be doing these things?  Does she think you should be doing something else? Why do you care?

You don't really care what Alma thinks at all.  What you really are doing is projecting your own harsh judgments of yourself onto Alma.  It is your voice that says these things about you.  It is you that thinks you should be doing something else, and that is why there is this disharmony inside you.

;You have a voice in your head that wants to argue with W and R about your career.  You want to justify your actions and your position and you feel that they should listen and agree.  There is a wound inside you that this energy is trying to heal, but this healing cannot come from W or R.  Prayer is the answer to this healing.  You are not a lazy person.  You want to work and to fulfill your mission.  But you do not see it right now and so you are paralyzed.You do not go out and seek for a new job because you are still holding on to the old one.

But think this is really not a problem.  You do not really want a new job right now.  You are getting married in February and then you are taking vacation.  You are planning to go to Hawaii with the kids over the summer and maybe to travel to Mapia in June.