So I have been through quite a lot of changes over the last few years. It all started in November of 2008 when I had a vision that I was going to be pulled through the eye of a needle. It came to me in a dream. And sure enough, the process started soon thereafter. I do not want to tell a story about what happened to me, because I surely played as much a role in what happened as anyone. There is no one to blame. The bottom line is that my job is the only thing that has yet to change.
And that change is coming. I had my first negative performance evaluation for the year of 2010. It was delivered to me in January of 2011. My divorce was also final in January of 2011, and so it was not surprising that 2010 was not my best year. In 2011 I did a lot of searching, and not a lot of working, and so my performance for that year was low as well.
I worked hard in the first half of 2012, but still my results were poor. I had to sign and return a mid year evaluation that says in no uncertain terms that my performance is not acceptable. I can argue a lot about this, but really there is not much point. I printed out a couple of copies, and wrote comments. But ultimately decided to simply sign the review with no comments at all. There really is not that much to say.
I saw my talky doctor today. I have been seeing her since my marriage started falling apart in 2009. I have a good relationship with her. She told me that because of my new relationship, I need to take one for the team, and simply sign the review. This job serves a purpose for another six months, and so I need to just eat my pride and sign the thing and return it.
But it is more than a shame. For ten years I have been with the Bank. They have no idea who I am personally, and certainly no idea that I am a Daimista. I do not even know how I would raise that topic. Oh by the way, I am a member of a cult from the rain forest that uses a special entheogenic sacrament made form a leaf and a vine that are brewed together into a powerful tea similar to Ayahuasca. Maybe they would be more supportive than I expect.
I have ten years of experience in a very specialized field, and yet my career is dissolving. I have so much to offer, but it appears not to the Bank.
I have done a lot of soul searching. i have so many arguments in my head. Imaginary conversations with someone from HR, with someone from the executive office, with my boss and his boss. But none of these conversations are real. The reality is that my mission simply is no longer with the Bank. And so this transition is coming.
I have a lot of fear about this and so I struggle to hold on to my job. I do tasks and submit reports and go to meetings and dial into conference calls because if I simply stop doing any work, then my job will certainly end faster. I do not feel free to resign, largely because to do so under the terms of my divorce decree would be a very bad move legally. And so I do nothing.
But the feeling of tension remains in my heart. It is a powerful time. In six months from tomorrow, my ex-wire could be married, and I am planning to be married in only four months. There are so many possibilities. I can only pray and watch things unfold. But here is my vision.
I will marry S in February
M will marry M in April
I will be asked to resign from my job effective March 1, 2012
I will receive six months of severance
I will start a brilliant new career in the fall of 2013
Once again, in a years time, everything will be different.
The first step is to quietly sign my performance evaluation.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
gorgeous day
It is such a pretty day here in Miami. It looks like the muggy summer is finally coming to a close and we have the promise of several months of perfect conditions. I noticed upon my return from Austin on Monday that the Turkey Buzzards have returned to winter in Miami. I remember their abrupt departure last March.
I had lunch with J today. It was good to see her. We had lunch at a little health food spot in Coconut Grove called the Last Carrot. Maybe one good thing that could come from my writing of this blog is that someone could enjoy a nice meal based on that recommendation. J and I spoke of her plan to go into the Amazon, and of course, this related to the Daime. No better way to see the rain forest than as a Daimista! She has a friend that wants to go with her who would not be accepting of that. So it looks like they will go to Costa Rica instead.
I have a feeling in my heart these days. It feels like an anxiety. So much is changing. The whole world shakes. It is the holding on that produces the discomfort. The image of the movie Contact with Jodie Foster keeps coming back to mind. Also the words of Alex Polari. Our attachments are mental venoms.
I have to let go of my situation with my career to allow it to change. My vortex wants to take me on a journey, but I have to stop holding on to do it. I have to let change flow throiugh me. I have to remain balanced and free and light. My health depends on spiritual flexibility and strength. Firmeza is not the ability to stay rigid, firmeza is the ability to flow.
I think about what will happen if I dlose my job prematurely or if I don't get married. What happens if S decides that she does not want me living for free in her Condo? What happens if I lose my job and my home at the same time? I have nothing now except for a few basic possessions and a car. I could pack up and move in an hour. I have obligations to my ex wife that I cannot meet without a job, but she is supposed to get married anyway.
What is the nature of this obligation? I felt it in my heart as a fear of the shame I will face if I do not pay her off, but this is not justice. She is responsible for herself no matter what the judge says right?
So I want to release this fear. E the accupuncturist that I go to in Austin said the pain in my back comes from my heart not feeling that it is protected. I felt very strongly with Alex Polari what this meant. It manifests as pain in my back on the right side.I suppose I would like to write a book, but isn't the truth of that that I would rather have the success and admiration that an author enjoys? The writing is the work, and if I am writing this, then I am doing the work of being a writer. That is the key really. To be a writer, one must write because one loves to write. And really there is no other reason than this for me to write these words.
It very much helps to not judge the words that I receive when I let go of the imagined audience. The invisible eyes that this needs to be good enough to satisfy. If it is not worth their time to read this, they will stop reading. And there really is no way to find this anyway. I clicked on one of the sources for one of the two or three page views I have received and was immediately transported to a Russian pornography site. So much suffering. What if someone were to write something truly beautiful and it never left an anonymous journal? What if someone I know finds out I am writing this? What would they think?
It's hard to say. J said she was working with a life coach. I wonder if I could be a life coach. What does it take? I certainly have some wisdom to share. I know a lot about relationships, work, education, and marriage. I know about running a business.
Gentleness. My fear is of being treated harshly. Where does that come from? Faith is faith that God is taking care of me and that God will treat me with gentleness. I have seen so often in the Daime that I am protected, and I have seen this manifested in so many ways in my life.
I am getting in touch with my conscience as a guide. That is the first lesson of the Santo Daime. To examine the conscience is the first lesson. I resisted this lesson by insisting that the proper translation from the Portuguese was Examine the Conscious. Conscience seemed to be like a guilty lecture. But I have been seeing more and more how the conscience is the voice of the holy spirt, or the divine guide, A Guia. I tis the voice that speaks below the ego. It is the voice that takes you in the right direction as opposed to pursuing the little things the ego wants. Ask myself what my conscience directs. What does my conscience tell me to do right now?
When I go to do some work for the bank that employs me, every cell in my body resists this. And if I don't do the work then I will lose the job. My conscience and my cells are telling me not to do the work, and so this means I will lose the job. The disharmony comes from the voice in my brain that is afraid to lose my job.The voice of fear is the fear of losing this, but that fear is not real. Or rather that fear is not of something real. It is simply fear of the unknown. It is fear of trust it is fear of what will happen to me. And so I would continue in the same place, the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, to avoid having something change that owould bring the right thing into my life. I am not lazy. Something will come along. And that something is not random, but it is my mission. The reason my mission is not revealed to me is that I continue to hold onto a job that is not my mission. Every bit of energy I put into that is wrong, except for the energy I put it to wrap up my job in an honorable and correct manner. I need to do the work that feels good. I need to face change without fear. Change is necessary. Resistance is not only futile but counterproductive. Let go. let go let go.
I had lunch with J today. It was good to see her. We had lunch at a little health food spot in Coconut Grove called the Last Carrot. Maybe one good thing that could come from my writing of this blog is that someone could enjoy a nice meal based on that recommendation. J and I spoke of her plan to go into the Amazon, and of course, this related to the Daime. No better way to see the rain forest than as a Daimista! She has a friend that wants to go with her who would not be accepting of that. So it looks like they will go to Costa Rica instead.
I have a feeling in my heart these days. It feels like an anxiety. So much is changing. The whole world shakes. It is the holding on that produces the discomfort. The image of the movie Contact with Jodie Foster keeps coming back to mind. Also the words of Alex Polari. Our attachments are mental venoms.
I have to let go of my situation with my career to allow it to change. My vortex wants to take me on a journey, but I have to stop holding on to do it. I have to let change flow throiugh me. I have to remain balanced and free and light. My health depends on spiritual flexibility and strength. Firmeza is not the ability to stay rigid, firmeza is the ability to flow.
I think about what will happen if I dlose my job prematurely or if I don't get married. What happens if S decides that she does not want me living for free in her Condo? What happens if I lose my job and my home at the same time? I have nothing now except for a few basic possessions and a car. I could pack up and move in an hour. I have obligations to my ex wife that I cannot meet without a job, but she is supposed to get married anyway.
What is the nature of this obligation? I felt it in my heart as a fear of the shame I will face if I do not pay her off, but this is not justice. She is responsible for herself no matter what the judge says right?
So I want to release this fear. E the accupuncturist that I go to in Austin said the pain in my back comes from my heart not feeling that it is protected. I felt very strongly with Alex Polari what this meant. It manifests as pain in my back on the right side.I suppose I would like to write a book, but isn't the truth of that that I would rather have the success and admiration that an author enjoys? The writing is the work, and if I am writing this, then I am doing the work of being a writer. That is the key really. To be a writer, one must write because one loves to write. And really there is no other reason than this for me to write these words.
It very much helps to not judge the words that I receive when I let go of the imagined audience. The invisible eyes that this needs to be good enough to satisfy. If it is not worth their time to read this, they will stop reading. And there really is no way to find this anyway. I clicked on one of the sources for one of the two or three page views I have received and was immediately transported to a Russian pornography site. So much suffering. What if someone were to write something truly beautiful and it never left an anonymous journal? What if someone I know finds out I am writing this? What would they think?
It's hard to say. J said she was working with a life coach. I wonder if I could be a life coach. What does it take? I certainly have some wisdom to share. I know a lot about relationships, work, education, and marriage. I know about running a business.
Gentleness. My fear is of being treated harshly. Where does that come from? Faith is faith that God is taking care of me and that God will treat me with gentleness. I have seen so often in the Daime that I am protected, and I have seen this manifested in so many ways in my life.
I am getting in touch with my conscience as a guide. That is the first lesson of the Santo Daime. To examine the conscience is the first lesson. I resisted this lesson by insisting that the proper translation from the Portuguese was Examine the Conscious. Conscience seemed to be like a guilty lecture. But I have been seeing more and more how the conscience is the voice of the holy spirt, or the divine guide, A Guia. I tis the voice that speaks below the ego. It is the voice that takes you in the right direction as opposed to pursuing the little things the ego wants. Ask myself what my conscience directs. What does my conscience tell me to do right now?
When I go to do some work for the bank that employs me, every cell in my body resists this. And if I don't do the work then I will lose the job. My conscience and my cells are telling me not to do the work, and so this means I will lose the job. The disharmony comes from the voice in my brain that is afraid to lose my job.The voice of fear is the fear of losing this, but that fear is not real. Or rather that fear is not of something real. It is simply fear of the unknown. It is fear of trust it is fear of what will happen to me. And so I would continue in the same place, the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, to avoid having something change that owould bring the right thing into my life. I am not lazy. Something will come along. And that something is not random, but it is my mission. The reason my mission is not revealed to me is that I continue to hold onto a job that is not my mission. Every bit of energy I put into that is wrong, except for the energy I put it to wrap up my job in an honorable and correct manner. I need to do the work that feels good. I need to face change without fear. Change is necessary. Resistance is not only futile but counterproductive. Let go. let go let go.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
More writing
And so I will just jump right back in. It is 10:23 and I will write until 11:00. That sounds like a really long time. I have no idea what I'm going to be writing about, but maybe there is some person out there in the six billion or so of humanity that will be struggling with something today and maybe something I say will call to that person and they will find this and be inspired or healed or whatever.
People do what they have faith in. People line up at the emergency room because they have faith in the healing they will receive. I suppose I would too if I broke a leg or something. I remember when I broke my foot I went to the bone doctor the next day, and he took an x-ray to confirm it was broken and then had me wear a black boot on my foot for several weeks until it felt better. I think I could have done the same thing for myself. How do you know if what you are doing is right? The ego never does.
How do I refer to my fiancé without identifying her or myself? I don't want to exclude her from my writing, but somehow I feel comfort in thinking this is anonymous. I don't really feel as though I am editing this for content, but I do believe that my identity is not obvious. I suppose a name for her will come to me.
She is super busy with work right now and we are chaffing each other a little bit. The ego gets upset in the moment about small things that it perceives right now. Patience and love take longer and last longer. Sure we are upset that I have a work to go to on Saturday next week, and we would like to take that night together. But that is a short term affront to the ego. The long term is that we love each other very much and will have a lot of time to spend together.
I am working to stop apologizing for my dedication to the Santo Daime. I have an important role in my church and others count on my being there. I also go for myself, both for my own personal healing, and for fun. I enjoy the connection with the divine that I receive when I go to works. I forget about it sometimes in the time between works, but I always remember when I am there. Part of me wishes that she wanted to go. She has made it very clear that she does not want to go. I see her making a little fortress around that decision. It is important that I give her space to make up her own mind. Freedom to choose. That way she is responsible for her choice to go or her choice not to go. But I am going. It is my church and it is important to me to go. We have not had a work in Miami since Paulo Roberto was here in September, and so it feels important to go to this work.
But part of me really does wish that she would go with me. What do I do about that? You can't ask someone to go drink Daime if they don't want to go drink Daime. It's not like just going to church for an hour where you sit there bored until it is over. The Daime requires a lot more than that. First of all, it take time. A work like the one on the 20th can take five to seven hours. That's a lot of singing in Portuguese. Second, you drink Daime during the works, and that is quite a commitment. You can't undrink a glass of Daime. Maybe we are all crazy for wanting to go at all.
So I started writing at 10:23 and then my Dad called me because it is his birthday, and I spoke to him until about 10:45, and then started writing again. It's been eight minutes and I'm supposed to write for thirty minutes. Someone has messaged me on facebook and that is very distracting. I should check the message and then close that window. It is very easy to get distracted while writing.
So maybe the key is to slow down the pace a little bit. It seems like there are an awful lot of words coming out as I write this. I have closed all the windows except this one, and so now I should not be so distracted.
So Alex Polari and Madrinha Sonya are going to be in Austin this weekend. This will be the fourth time I have been to works with P. Alex and the third time with M. Sonia. We are singing the hinario of Maria Damiao on Friday night for a healing work. She was a compatriot of Mestre Irineu and so she received her hinario during the middle part of the 20th century in the middle of the Amazon. The vibration of her hinario brings that forest into the present moment. It promises to be a very strong experience.
I am going to miss her this weekend. She has to work both Saturday and Sunday, and she has been feeling sick, so it is actually a good time for me to be out of town, but I do not like being apart from her. I feel a little sideways with her, and somehow I want to tell her that I love her and that she should not worry, but I don't really know how to do it. Words are so cheap sometimes. I think the only answer is to stay firm and keep loving her.
There is a current of anxiety in my heart about being abandoned by her. She promised to marry me, and that is supposed to be something we can take to the bank. I want to let her know that I really love her. Maybe I should leave her a little note. Maybe I can spend some of my time writing to write something to her. That might not be such a bad idea, but what it really is is my searching for an excuse to not write for the entire half an hour. How am I ever going to be a writer if I don't actually start sitting down and writing? You have to write to be a writer, and if you don't write, then you just are not a person that writes.
I look at the time that goes by...what if I had been better about playing guitar? I would be a much better guitar player right now than I am. But the key is you get out of things what you put into them. I am putting a lot of work into some things right now, but I feel like I am slacking off.
But this is a lot of change. Good change for a change, but powerful change. I just had a thought about whether anybody had viewed this. I really have no idea. I guess that's not true, the answer is nobody has viewed it, because Google with it's google-like accuracy informs me that nobody has viewed it. Dear reader...are you the first?
But that's a question of time going backwards and forwards. Nobody has read it now, but someone may read it in the future and the future is really just another version of the present. Notifications are demands on our attention. Wells Fargo just sent me a stupid notification and so now I am thinking of Wells Fargo. Electronics can be like mental insects. Buzzing around and taking my attention. I need to get rid of the constant access my iPhone has to my attention. I unsubscribed from Wells Fargo. Ugh. Those little marketing bugs. They have a name constant contact or something like that. They want to occupy our attention as much as possible so that we buy more crap we do not need from them.
Look at me look at me! So and so likes your post about not liking Mitt Romney... wow! I like that someone had good cake on their birthday! woo hoo!
And hey look...it's 1113, that's about half an hour all in. So good enough for today.
People do what they have faith in. People line up at the emergency room because they have faith in the healing they will receive. I suppose I would too if I broke a leg or something. I remember when I broke my foot I went to the bone doctor the next day, and he took an x-ray to confirm it was broken and then had me wear a black boot on my foot for several weeks until it felt better. I think I could have done the same thing for myself. How do you know if what you are doing is right? The ego never does.
How do I refer to my fiancé without identifying her or myself? I don't want to exclude her from my writing, but somehow I feel comfort in thinking this is anonymous. I don't really feel as though I am editing this for content, but I do believe that my identity is not obvious. I suppose a name for her will come to me.
She is super busy with work right now and we are chaffing each other a little bit. The ego gets upset in the moment about small things that it perceives right now. Patience and love take longer and last longer. Sure we are upset that I have a work to go to on Saturday next week, and we would like to take that night together. But that is a short term affront to the ego. The long term is that we love each other very much and will have a lot of time to spend together.
I am working to stop apologizing for my dedication to the Santo Daime. I have an important role in my church and others count on my being there. I also go for myself, both for my own personal healing, and for fun. I enjoy the connection with the divine that I receive when I go to works. I forget about it sometimes in the time between works, but I always remember when I am there. Part of me wishes that she wanted to go. She has made it very clear that she does not want to go. I see her making a little fortress around that decision. It is important that I give her space to make up her own mind. Freedom to choose. That way she is responsible for her choice to go or her choice not to go. But I am going. It is my church and it is important to me to go. We have not had a work in Miami since Paulo Roberto was here in September, and so it feels important to go to this work.
But part of me really does wish that she would go with me. What do I do about that? You can't ask someone to go drink Daime if they don't want to go drink Daime. It's not like just going to church for an hour where you sit there bored until it is over. The Daime requires a lot more than that. First of all, it take time. A work like the one on the 20th can take five to seven hours. That's a lot of singing in Portuguese. Second, you drink Daime during the works, and that is quite a commitment. You can't undrink a glass of Daime. Maybe we are all crazy for wanting to go at all.
So I started writing at 10:23 and then my Dad called me because it is his birthday, and I spoke to him until about 10:45, and then started writing again. It's been eight minutes and I'm supposed to write for thirty minutes. Someone has messaged me on facebook and that is very distracting. I should check the message and then close that window. It is very easy to get distracted while writing.
So maybe the key is to slow down the pace a little bit. It seems like there are an awful lot of words coming out as I write this. I have closed all the windows except this one, and so now I should not be so distracted.
So Alex Polari and Madrinha Sonya are going to be in Austin this weekend. This will be the fourth time I have been to works with P. Alex and the third time with M. Sonia. We are singing the hinario of Maria Damiao on Friday night for a healing work. She was a compatriot of Mestre Irineu and so she received her hinario during the middle part of the 20th century in the middle of the Amazon. The vibration of her hinario brings that forest into the present moment. It promises to be a very strong experience.
I am going to miss her this weekend. She has to work both Saturday and Sunday, and she has been feeling sick, so it is actually a good time for me to be out of town, but I do not like being apart from her. I feel a little sideways with her, and somehow I want to tell her that I love her and that she should not worry, but I don't really know how to do it. Words are so cheap sometimes. I think the only answer is to stay firm and keep loving her.
There is a current of anxiety in my heart about being abandoned by her. She promised to marry me, and that is supposed to be something we can take to the bank. I want to let her know that I really love her. Maybe I should leave her a little note. Maybe I can spend some of my time writing to write something to her. That might not be such a bad idea, but what it really is is my searching for an excuse to not write for the entire half an hour. How am I ever going to be a writer if I don't actually start sitting down and writing? You have to write to be a writer, and if you don't write, then you just are not a person that writes.
I look at the time that goes by...what if I had been better about playing guitar? I would be a much better guitar player right now than I am. But the key is you get out of things what you put into them. I am putting a lot of work into some things right now, but I feel like I am slacking off.
But this is a lot of change. Good change for a change, but powerful change. I just had a thought about whether anybody had viewed this. I really have no idea. I guess that's not true, the answer is nobody has viewed it, because Google with it's google-like accuracy informs me that nobody has viewed it. Dear reader...are you the first?
But that's a question of time going backwards and forwards. Nobody has read it now, but someone may read it in the future and the future is really just another version of the present. Notifications are demands on our attention. Wells Fargo just sent me a stupid notification and so now I am thinking of Wells Fargo. Electronics can be like mental insects. Buzzing around and taking my attention. I need to get rid of the constant access my iPhone has to my attention. I unsubscribed from Wells Fargo. Ugh. Those little marketing bugs. They have a name constant contact or something like that. They want to occupy our attention as much as possible so that we buy more crap we do not need from them.
Look at me look at me! So and so likes your post about not liking Mitt Romney... wow! I like that someone had good cake on their birthday! woo hoo!
And hey look...it's 1113, that's about half an hour all in. So good enough for today.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
writing exercise
And so I suppose I should set a discipline to write for a certain amount of time each day, without judging the content of what I am writing. I suppose this will free up my voice and let words flow out. You cant edit while you create, and if there is no audience, there is no one to edit for. The purpose of this is to create.
And so creation flows like a river. I remember a story I heard about a man who fell into a river three times while trekking in the Amazon. He then went to a work with Ayahuasca and was terrified. The medicine told him to be as he was in the river. This was a powerful lesson, because there was no fighting the river. All he could do was go with the force of the water, and sure enough, it brought him to an eddy and to safety each time. You cannot resist the force of the Santo Daime. You cannot resist the force of Ayahuasca. If the force comes strong, it will have its way.
Such a cliche about bending like a reed or like a palm tree in a hurricane or like bamboo in the wind. Why do so many cultures have these examples of strength through flexibility. If you are rigid, the force will break you, but if you bend, then you flow with it. One has to flow with the force. This is true in a river and it is true in a work. There is no denying a force so strong.
But what about in life? We struggle and resist all the time. I am struggling right now with my job, which I really do not need. They want me to travel all over the place and do all kinds of things that I really do not want to do. I went through a hard period, at least what I thought was a hard period, where everything was taken from me, or at least I thought it was. I found myself living in very modest quarters with no material possessions. I learned that I was ok with that. Now that I know I need so little to be happy, I'm not quite so willing to trade my time for money. I'd rather have the time. I don't want to go spend the night in a hampton inn. I don't have to do that. I don't need a new car or a bigger TV. I don't need any of that stuff.
What I do need is very simple, and I have it already. I just need to have gratitude and faith. But I still hold onto the job. It makes me feel anxious. I get bad reviews. I put pressure on myself. But really I can let go. Not do anything. Sure they will eventually have to let me go, but really that is what I want.
So why do I have a fear of being fired when I don't want to do the job in the first place? Because I am a creature of habit. We will see how this works out. I have to have faith that it will work out for the better.
I am going to Austin this weekend. This will be a lot of fun. Some powerful force is coming from the forest. We will be singing hymns of antiquity that came straight from the dark night of the forest. These hymns bring force, they bring healing, they bring light into the darkness. Surrender to the hinario of Maria Damiao. These will be strong works. With Alex Polari, the works are always strong.
There is so much anonymity in blogging when you don't seek an audience. These words are available to a billion people, yet none will see them. They are like individual stars in a distant galaxy...There for all to see, but only for those who look at them. Just like the daime. The doctrine cannot be given to you. It is for those who seek it out.
And so now I have written for a while and I have done a good job not judging the content of what I am writing. I feel like I am kind of rambling to myself. This voice in my head does reach my fingers. The words just pop right out. I am not thinking up these words, yet they appear. If I could type faster, then the words would come out faster. It would be nice if they would start saying something useful. Right now, it just seems like a ramble. Pointless. There, that stopped them. All I had to do was tell them they were pointless and they stopped.
Maybe this practice is important. Maybe the important thing is to keep writing them. Maybe a mystery will be revealed in them that I am not aware of. Maybe if I keep writing whatever the voice wants me to write, after I get enough practice it will start writing the good stuff. Maybe my guides want me first to open the channel to really get the words flying without judging them. Like some of theses sentences with incorrect grammar. Like that last one and this one. These are not real sentences, and yet somehow this does not matter. The meaning is in them, and at least I understand what I mean as I write them. And so by not judging them, by simply letting the words flow out, I am learning how to get my ego out of the writing game and just let the words flow like I am a river. I am a river of consciousness attached to the larger stream. I have invited the consciousness to flow through me and just like water it flows through the opening. I can create a great river of consciousness that will be expressed through these words if I can get my ego out of the way and just write. It's funny how the words turn off when I go backwards to correct a typographical error. If I spend time editing the text, then the words stop. But some editing of really bad mistakes is good. It will cause me to be more faithful to the words that I am receiving.
St. Michael comes to mind. So does the guide I see when I go to a work with my fiance. She is so strong and free from fear, but fear is what dominates her ego. But her guide sees that everything is ok. She seems to do so well. I feel that I am a part of the line of St. Michael. It is this line that I serve in, and it is St. Michael that directs me. We are all in the line of God, but my line includes St. Michael. I am under his charge and he speaks through me sometimes. I pray to St. Michael to guide me in my life. In fact I am asking right now. St. Michael, I implore you, I have the little willingness to surrender myself to the divine will. Please take my hand and guide me through these difficult times. Help me make the right steps. Help me teach, and therefore learn, the right lessons. You taught me how to learn through teaching when I was in law school. You taught me how to find your voice in the astral during works with the Santo Daime. Please now, come in and teach me how to follow my path in the world of samsara. It was interesting that we saw that movie in connection with the works with Paulo Roberto.
I think it is time to post this now. I feel it is important to publish, not just to write and save, because this is a light in the darkness. Maybe not such a bright one, and maybe nobody will want to read it right now, but maybe it will develop into something. Maybe this is the top of the hill and this is a little snow ball just starting to roll down. Maybe this is the first part of my mission. Maybe this is part of everything that comes next. We will see.
And so creation flows like a river. I remember a story I heard about a man who fell into a river three times while trekking in the Amazon. He then went to a work with Ayahuasca and was terrified. The medicine told him to be as he was in the river. This was a powerful lesson, because there was no fighting the river. All he could do was go with the force of the water, and sure enough, it brought him to an eddy and to safety each time. You cannot resist the force of the Santo Daime. You cannot resist the force of Ayahuasca. If the force comes strong, it will have its way.
Such a cliche about bending like a reed or like a palm tree in a hurricane or like bamboo in the wind. Why do so many cultures have these examples of strength through flexibility. If you are rigid, the force will break you, but if you bend, then you flow with it. One has to flow with the force. This is true in a river and it is true in a work. There is no denying a force so strong.
But what about in life? We struggle and resist all the time. I am struggling right now with my job, which I really do not need. They want me to travel all over the place and do all kinds of things that I really do not want to do. I went through a hard period, at least what I thought was a hard period, where everything was taken from me, or at least I thought it was. I found myself living in very modest quarters with no material possessions. I learned that I was ok with that. Now that I know I need so little to be happy, I'm not quite so willing to trade my time for money. I'd rather have the time. I don't want to go spend the night in a hampton inn. I don't have to do that. I don't need a new car or a bigger TV. I don't need any of that stuff.
What I do need is very simple, and I have it already. I just need to have gratitude and faith. But I still hold onto the job. It makes me feel anxious. I get bad reviews. I put pressure on myself. But really I can let go. Not do anything. Sure they will eventually have to let me go, but really that is what I want.
So why do I have a fear of being fired when I don't want to do the job in the first place? Because I am a creature of habit. We will see how this works out. I have to have faith that it will work out for the better.
I am going to Austin this weekend. This will be a lot of fun. Some powerful force is coming from the forest. We will be singing hymns of antiquity that came straight from the dark night of the forest. These hymns bring force, they bring healing, they bring light into the darkness. Surrender to the hinario of Maria Damiao. These will be strong works. With Alex Polari, the works are always strong.
There is so much anonymity in blogging when you don't seek an audience. These words are available to a billion people, yet none will see them. They are like individual stars in a distant galaxy...There for all to see, but only for those who look at them. Just like the daime. The doctrine cannot be given to you. It is for those who seek it out.
And so now I have written for a while and I have done a good job not judging the content of what I am writing. I feel like I am kind of rambling to myself. This voice in my head does reach my fingers. The words just pop right out. I am not thinking up these words, yet they appear. If I could type faster, then the words would come out faster. It would be nice if they would start saying something useful. Right now, it just seems like a ramble. Pointless. There, that stopped them. All I had to do was tell them they were pointless and they stopped.
Maybe this practice is important. Maybe the important thing is to keep writing them. Maybe a mystery will be revealed in them that I am not aware of. Maybe if I keep writing whatever the voice wants me to write, after I get enough practice it will start writing the good stuff. Maybe my guides want me first to open the channel to really get the words flying without judging them. Like some of theses sentences with incorrect grammar. Like that last one and this one. These are not real sentences, and yet somehow this does not matter. The meaning is in them, and at least I understand what I mean as I write them. And so by not judging them, by simply letting the words flow out, I am learning how to get my ego out of the writing game and just let the words flow like I am a river. I am a river of consciousness attached to the larger stream. I have invited the consciousness to flow through me and just like water it flows through the opening. I can create a great river of consciousness that will be expressed through these words if I can get my ego out of the way and just write. It's funny how the words turn off when I go backwards to correct a typographical error. If I spend time editing the text, then the words stop. But some editing of really bad mistakes is good. It will cause me to be more faithful to the words that I am receiving.
St. Michael comes to mind. So does the guide I see when I go to a work with my fiance. She is so strong and free from fear, but fear is what dominates her ego. But her guide sees that everything is ok. She seems to do so well. I feel that I am a part of the line of St. Michael. It is this line that I serve in, and it is St. Michael that directs me. We are all in the line of God, but my line includes St. Michael. I am under his charge and he speaks through me sometimes. I pray to St. Michael to guide me in my life. In fact I am asking right now. St. Michael, I implore you, I have the little willingness to surrender myself to the divine will. Please take my hand and guide me through these difficult times. Help me make the right steps. Help me teach, and therefore learn, the right lessons. You taught me how to learn through teaching when I was in law school. You taught me how to find your voice in the astral during works with the Santo Daime. Please now, come in and teach me how to follow my path in the world of samsara. It was interesting that we saw that movie in connection with the works with Paulo Roberto.
I think it is time to post this now. I feel it is important to publish, not just to write and save, because this is a light in the darkness. Maybe not such a bright one, and maybe nobody will want to read it right now, but maybe it will develop into something. Maybe this is the top of the hill and this is a little snow ball just starting to roll down. Maybe this is the first part of my mission. Maybe this is part of everything that comes next. We will see.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
letting go of editing for the audience
One of the main reasons I don't write my blog is because I'm thinking about what someone else is going to think when they read it. I guess that is a little judge in my brain that plays the roll of the audience. It stops me from writing because it demands that I write something worthy of being written. I need to let go of this judge.
And so this blog is going to start being a blog that is not perfect. It is not intended or written for the purpose of being read. The and I did it again, I corrected myself. The purpose of this blog is for me to write it without judging what is said. I just have to write it. It will create the habit of writing. It will let the words start to flow. It will open the channel to receive things to write and then to write them.
It will find the voice. The conscience is a voice. To examine the conscience is the first lesson. The conscience quite simply is the guide. The voice we can hear but the voice we do not listen to. The conscience is the voice that ignores the ego, and the ego is the voice that ignores the conscience. This is because the ego wants everything and the conscience wants nothing. They cannot even speak to each other. We can choose what voice we want to listen to. We have to have a guide.
We do have to have a guide. There are two possibilities. One is ourself. We can trust our mind, or rather the dominant voice in our mind to be our guide. That is the voice of the ego, and it is the ego that has a hard time writing in this blog. It is the ego that asks the questions. It is the ego that asks what will you think when you read this?
But there is another voice too. It is a quiet voice. It is my voice?
So I am sitting here in the living room with this slick laptop on my lap. I am on a red sofa on the tenth floor of a very nice condominium tower with views looking over the water in Miami. It is my fiancé's house. I live here now. And so a voice in my head is telling me not to post that. I wonder if it matters. Is it fear who might find out? What if someone finds out ... oh this is so and so, and he wrote this thing...he told something about himself that is potentially embarrassing. And so what are you going to do? Look it up? Find out who I am? Tell everyone! Oh my god, so and so published something on the web and it was embarrassing. Now we are all scandalized. It was rambling on and on and he said he lived at your place.
So funny. So what? Honey Badger doesn't care if you think this blog post is weird. Actually, maybe publishing a blog post that is weird might be just the thing. There might be another weirdo out there who likes it. There may be someone that it helps. It is that person that can benefit from it. Maybe it will give someone else the courage to do as well as they can. Maybe it will teach someone else to use and to share their talents such as they are. Maybe it will inspire someone to write a comment. Who knows what it will do. But one thing it won't do is hurt anybody. I suppose that is true. Am I reckless?
And so this blog is going to start being a blog that is not perfect. It is not intended or written for the purpose of being read. The and I did it again, I corrected myself. The purpose of this blog is for me to write it without judging what is said. I just have to write it. It will create the habit of writing. It will let the words start to flow. It will open the channel to receive things to write and then to write them.
It will find the voice. The conscience is a voice. To examine the conscience is the first lesson. The conscience quite simply is the guide. The voice we can hear but the voice we do not listen to. The conscience is the voice that ignores the ego, and the ego is the voice that ignores the conscience. This is because the ego wants everything and the conscience wants nothing. They cannot even speak to each other. We can choose what voice we want to listen to. We have to have a guide.
We do have to have a guide. There are two possibilities. One is ourself. We can trust our mind, or rather the dominant voice in our mind to be our guide. That is the voice of the ego, and it is the ego that has a hard time writing in this blog. It is the ego that asks the questions. It is the ego that asks what will you think when you read this?
But there is another voice too. It is a quiet voice. It is my voice?
So I am sitting here in the living room with this slick laptop on my lap. I am on a red sofa on the tenth floor of a very nice condominium tower with views looking over the water in Miami. It is my fiancé's house. I live here now. And so a voice in my head is telling me not to post that. I wonder if it matters. Is it fear who might find out? What if someone finds out ... oh this is so and so, and he wrote this thing...he told something about himself that is potentially embarrassing. And so what are you going to do? Look it up? Find out who I am? Tell everyone! Oh my god, so and so published something on the web and it was embarrassing. Now we are all scandalized. It was rambling on and on and he said he lived at your place.
So funny. So what? Honey Badger doesn't care if you think this blog post is weird. Actually, maybe publishing a blog post that is weird might be just the thing. There might be another weirdo out there who likes it. There may be someone that it helps. It is that person that can benefit from it. Maybe it will give someone else the courage to do as well as they can. Maybe it will teach someone else to use and to share their talents such as they are. Maybe it will inspire someone to write a comment. Who knows what it will do. But one thing it won't do is hurt anybody. I suppose that is true. Am I reckless?
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Pen Pal Blog - Is anybody out there? September 20 2012
So now it's time to write another blog post. I was just reading a very interesting, if a bit cynical, article about how to write a book. It seems that the question is much more than that. Most people who ask it want to know how to get a book published, or how to make money writing a book, or how to quit working and "be" an author. But the thing I realized was that the real core is about judgment. The real question I have about writing a book is about the audience, not about the writing. I judge the words I use
I judge my choice of paragraph breaks, grammar and spelling. Sentence fragment? Judge that too. But what I really want is to write. To do this I have to divorce myself from the audience. I have to not worry about whether I will appear foolish for writing something stupid. I have to let go of my own judgment that my writing is not good enough to be written.
Not good enough to be written. Who does that guy think he is writing something and publishing it? Who do I think I am writing like this.
And so I realized, I don't really even want to write a book. I would much rather write an online diary. I would also think it was really cool if I could start communicating with other people who want to do the same thing. A kind of forum.
I don't want to just write a book, I want to start some kind of communication. A group. This could be like A PenPal Blog. It's open to anyone who wants to write something.
Did you read this? Are you out there?
Anonymously.
I judge my choice of paragraph breaks, grammar and spelling. Sentence fragment? Judge that too. But what I really want is to write. To do this I have to divorce myself from the audience. I have to not worry about whether I will appear foolish for writing something stupid. I have to let go of my own judgment that my writing is not good enough to be written.
Not good enough to be written. Who does that guy think he is writing something and publishing it? Who do I think I am writing like this.
And so I realized, I don't really even want to write a book. I would much rather write an online diary. I would also think it was really cool if I could start communicating with other people who want to do the same thing. A kind of forum.
I don't want to just write a book, I want to start some kind of communication. A group. This could be like A PenPal Blog. It's open to anyone who wants to write something.
Did you read this? Are you out there?
Anonymously.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Politics
So I have decided to vote for Obama. I was not even going to participate in the charade, but I changed my mind when the whole illegitimate rape issue came up. Yes, I get it that it was just some republican crackpot speaking out of turn, but seriously, the republican party has opened itself up to hate mongers. They have traded science for ideology. They have traded expedience for truth. How can anybody associate with a party that peddles ignorance as truth?
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