gorgeous day

It is such a pretty day here in Miami.  It looks like the muggy summer is finally coming to a close and we have the promise of several months of perfect conditions.  I noticed upon my return from Austin on Monday that the Turkey Buzzards have returned to winter in Miami.  I remember their abrupt departure last March.

I had lunch with J today.  It was good to see her.  We had lunch at a little health food spot in Coconut Grove called the Last Carrot.  Maybe one good thing that could come from my writing of this blog is that someone could enjoy a nice meal based on that recommendation.  J and I spoke of her plan to go into the Amazon, and of course, this related to the Daime.  No better way to see the rain forest than as a Daimista!  She has a friend that wants to go with her who would not be accepting of that.  So it looks like they will go to Costa Rica instead.

I have a feeling in my heart these days.  It feels like an anxiety.  So much is changing.  The whole world shakes.  It is the holding on that produces the discomfort.  The image of the movie Contact with Jodie Foster keeps coming back to mind.  Also the words of Alex Polari.  Our attachments are mental venoms.

I have to let go of my situation with my career to allow it to change.  My vortex wants to take me on a journey, but I have to stop holding on to do it.  I have to let change flow throiugh me. I have to remain balanced and free and light.  My health depends on spiritual flexibility and strength.  Firmeza is not the ability to stay rigid, firmeza is the ability to flow.

I think about what will happen if I dlose my job prematurely or if I don't get married.  What happens if S decides that she does not want me living for free in her Condo?  What happens if I lose my job and my home at the same time?  I have nothing now except for a few basic possessions and a car.  I could pack up and move in an hour.  I have obligations to my ex wife that I cannot meet without a job, but she is supposed to get married anyway.

What is the nature of this obligation?  I felt it in my heart as a fear of the shame I will face if I do not pay her off, but this is not justice.  She is responsible for herself no matter what the judge says right?

So I want to release this fear.  E the accupuncturist that I go to in Austin said the pain in my back comes from my heart not feeling that it is protected.  I felt very strongly with Alex Polari what this meant.  It manifests as pain in my back on the right side.I suppose I would like to write a book, but isn't the truth of that that I would rather have the success and admiration that an author enjoys?  The writing is the work, and if I am writing this, then I am doing the work of being a writer.  That is the key really.  To be a writer, one must write because one loves to write.  And really there is no other reason than this for me to write these words.

It very much helps to not judge the words that I receive when I let go of the imagined audience.  The invisible eyes that this needs to be good enough to satisfy.  If it is not worth their time to read this, they will stop reading.  And there really is no way to find this anyway.  I clicked on one of the sources for one of the two or three page views I have received and was immediately transported to a Russian pornography site.  So much suffering. What if someone were to write something truly beautiful and it never left an anonymous journal?  What if someone I know finds out I am writing this?  What would they think?

It's hard to say.  J said she was working with a life coach.  I wonder if I could be a life coach.  What does it take?  I certainly have some wisdom to share.  I know a lot about relationships, work, education, and marriage.  I know about running a business.

Gentleness.  My fear is of being treated harshly.  Where does that come from?  Faith is faith that God is taking care of me and that God will treat me with gentleness.  I have seen so often in the Daime that I am protected, and I have seen this manifested in so many ways in my life.

I am getting in touch with my conscience as a guide.  That is the first lesson of the Santo Daime. To examine the conscience is the first lesson.  I resisted this lesson by insisting that the proper translation from the Portuguese was Examine the Conscious.  Conscience seemed to be like a guilty lecture.  But I have been seeing more and more how the conscience is the voice of the holy spirt, or the divine guide, A Guia.  I tis the voice that speaks below the ego.  It is the voice that takes you in the right direction as opposed to pursuing the little things the ego wants.  Ask myself what my conscience directs.  What does my conscience tell me to do right now?

When I go to do some work for the bank that employs me, every cell in my body resists this.  And if I don't do the work then I will lose the job.  My conscience and my cells are telling me not to do the work, and so this means I will lose the job.  The disharmony comes from the voice in my brain that is afraid to lose my job.The voice of fear is the fear of losing this, but that fear is not real.  Or rather that fear is not of something real.  It is simply fear of the unknown.  It is fear of trust it is fear of what will happen to me.  And so I would continue in the same place, the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, to avoid having something change that owould bring the right thing into my life.  I am not lazy.  Something will come along.  And that something is not random, but it is my mission.  The reason my mission is not revealed to me is that I continue to hold onto a job that is not my mission.  Every bit of energy I put into that is wrong, except for the energy I put it to wrap up my job in an honorable and correct manner.  I need to do the work that feels good.  I need to face change without fear.  Change is necessary.  Resistance is not only futile but counterproductive.  Let go. let go let go.