And so I will just jump right back in. It is 10:23 and I will write until 11:00. That sounds like a really long time. I have no idea what I'm going to be writing about, but maybe there is some person out there in the six billion or so of humanity that will be struggling with something today and maybe something I say will call to that person and they will find this and be inspired or healed or whatever.
People do what they have faith in. People line up at the emergency room because they have faith in the healing they will receive. I suppose I would too if I broke a leg or something. I remember when I broke my foot I went to the bone doctor the next day, and he took an x-ray to confirm it was broken and then had me wear a black boot on my foot for several weeks until it felt better. I think I could have done the same thing for myself. How do you know if what you are doing is right? The ego never does.
How do I refer to my fiancé without identifying her or myself? I don't want to exclude her from my writing, but somehow I feel comfort in thinking this is anonymous. I don't really feel as though I am editing this for content, but I do believe that my identity is not obvious. I suppose a name for her will come to me.
She is super busy with work right now and we are chaffing each other a little bit. The ego gets upset in the moment about small things that it perceives right now. Patience and love take longer and last longer. Sure we are upset that I have a work to go to on Saturday next week, and we would like to take that night together. But that is a short term affront to the ego. The long term is that we love each other very much and will have a lot of time to spend together.
I am working to stop apologizing for my dedication to the Santo Daime. I have an important role in my church and others count on my being there. I also go for myself, both for my own personal healing, and for fun. I enjoy the connection with the divine that I receive when I go to works. I forget about it sometimes in the time between works, but I always remember when I am there. Part of me wishes that she wanted to go. She has made it very clear that she does not want to go. I see her making a little fortress around that decision. It is important that I give her space to make up her own mind. Freedom to choose. That way she is responsible for her choice to go or her choice not to go. But I am going. It is my church and it is important to me to go. We have not had a work in Miami since Paulo Roberto was here in September, and so it feels important to go to this work.
But part of me really does wish that she would go with me. What do I do about that? You can't ask someone to go drink Daime if they don't want to go drink Daime. It's not like just going to church for an hour where you sit there bored until it is over. The Daime requires a lot more than that. First of all, it take time. A work like the one on the 20th can take five to seven hours. That's a lot of singing in Portuguese. Second, you drink Daime during the works, and that is quite a commitment. You can't undrink a glass of Daime. Maybe we are all crazy for wanting to go at all.
So I started writing at 10:23 and then my Dad called me because it is his birthday, and I spoke to him until about 10:45, and then started writing again. It's been eight minutes and I'm supposed to write for thirty minutes. Someone has messaged me on facebook and that is very distracting. I should check the message and then close that window. It is very easy to get distracted while writing.
So maybe the key is to slow down the pace a little bit. It seems like there are an awful lot of words coming out as I write this. I have closed all the windows except this one, and so now I should not be so distracted.
So Alex Polari and Madrinha Sonya are going to be in Austin this weekend. This will be the fourth time I have been to works with P. Alex and the third time with M. Sonia. We are singing the hinario of Maria Damiao on Friday night for a healing work. She was a compatriot of Mestre Irineu and so she received her hinario during the middle part of the 20th century in the middle of the Amazon. The vibration of her hinario brings that forest into the present moment. It promises to be a very strong experience.
I am going to miss her this weekend. She has to work both Saturday and Sunday, and she has been feeling sick, so it is actually a good time for me to be out of town, but I do not like being apart from her. I feel a little sideways with her, and somehow I want to tell her that I love her and that she should not worry, but I don't really know how to do it. Words are so cheap sometimes. I think the only answer is to stay firm and keep loving her.
There is a current of anxiety in my heart about being abandoned by her. She promised to marry me, and that is supposed to be something we can take to the bank. I want to let her know that I really love her. Maybe I should leave her a little note. Maybe I can spend some of my time writing to write something to her. That might not be such a bad idea, but what it really is is my searching for an excuse to not write for the entire half an hour. How am I ever going to be a writer if I don't actually start sitting down and writing? You have to write to be a writer, and if you don't write, then you just are not a person that writes.
I look at the time that goes by...what if I had been better about playing guitar? I would be a much better guitar player right now than I am. But the key is you get out of things what you put into them. I am putting a lot of work into some things right now, but I feel like I am slacking off.
But this is a lot of change. Good change for a change, but powerful change. I just had a thought about whether anybody had viewed this. I really have no idea. I guess that's not true, the answer is nobody has viewed it, because Google with it's google-like accuracy informs me that nobody has viewed it. Dear reader...are you the first?
But that's a question of time going backwards and forwards. Nobody has read it now, but someone may read it in the future and the future is really just another version of the present. Notifications are demands on our attention. Wells Fargo just sent me a stupid notification and so now I am thinking of Wells Fargo. Electronics can be like mental insects. Buzzing around and taking my attention. I need to get rid of the constant access my iPhone has to my attention. I unsubscribed from Wells Fargo. Ugh. Those little marketing bugs. They have a name constant contact or something like that. They want to occupy our attention as much as possible so that we buy more crap we do not need from them.
Look at me look at me! So and so likes your post about not liking Mitt Romney... wow! I like that someone had good cake on their birthday! woo hoo!
And hey look...it's 1113, that's about half an hour all in. So good enough for today.
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