Saying good bye to my job

So I have been through quite a lot of changes over the last few years.  It all started in November of 2008 when I had a vision that I was going to be pulled through the eye of a needle.  It came to me in a dream.  And sure enough, the process started soon thereafter.  I do not want to tell a story about what happened to me, because I surely played as much a role in what happened as anyone.  There is no one to blame.  The bottom line is that my job is the only thing that has yet to change.

And that change is coming.  I had my first negative performance evaluation for the year of 2010.  It was delivered to me in January of 2011.  My divorce was also final in January of 2011, and so it was not surprising that 2010 was not my best year.  In 2011 I did a lot of searching, and not a lot of working, and so my performance for that year was low as well.

I worked hard in the first half of 2012, but still my results were poor.   I had to sign and return a mid year evaluation that says in no uncertain terms that my performance is not acceptable.  I can argue a lot about this, but really there is not much point.  I printed out a couple of copies, and wrote comments.  But ultimately decided to simply sign the review with no comments at all.  There really is not that much to say.

I saw my talky doctor today.  I have been seeing her since my marriage started falling apart in 2009.  I have a good relationship with her.  She told me that because of my new relationship, I need to take one for the team, and simply sign the review.  This job serves a purpose for another six months, and so I need to just eat my pride and sign the thing and return it.

But it is more than a shame.  For ten years I have been with the Bank.  They have no idea who I am personally, and certainly no idea that I am a Daimista.  I do not even know how I would raise that topic. Oh by the way, I am a member of a cult from the rain forest that uses a special entheogenic sacrament made form a leaf and a vine that are brewed together into a powerful tea similar to Ayahuasca.  Maybe they would be more supportive than I expect.

I have ten years of experience in a very specialized field, and yet my career is dissolving.  I have so much to offer, but it appears not to the Bank.

I have done a lot of soul searching.  i have so many arguments in my head.  Imaginary conversations with someone from HR, with someone from the executive office, with my boss and his boss.  But none of these conversations are real.  The reality is that my mission simply is no longer with the Bank.  And so this transition is coming.

I have a lot of fear about  this and so I struggle to hold on to my job.  I do tasks and submit reports and go to meetings and dial into conference calls because if I simply stop doing any work, then my job will certainly end faster.  I do not feel free to resign, largely because to do so under the terms of my divorce decree would be a very bad move legally.  And so I do nothing.

But the feeling of tension remains in my heart.  It is a powerful time.  In six months from tomorrow, my ex-wire could be married, and I am planning to be married in only four months.  There are so many possibilities.  I can only pray and watch things unfold.  But here is my vision.

I will marry S in February
M will marry M in April
I will be asked to resign from my job effective March 1, 2012
I will receive six months of severance
I will start a brilliant new career in the fall of 2013

Once again, in a years time, everything will be different.

The first step is to quietly sign my performance evaluation.